


seconds, minutes, hours, lifetimes

by lolainslackss



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Angst, Canon Compliant, Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind AU, M/M, Memory Alteration, Memory Loss
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-22
Updated: 2018-04-22
Packaged: 2019-04-26 08:51:24
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,355
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14398572
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lolainslackss/pseuds/lolainslackss
Summary: "Dear Mr Day,Andrew Minyard has had Neil Josten erased from his memory. Please never mention their relationship to him ever again.Thank you.Lacuna Inc."In which Andrew forgets Neil, so Neil forgets him right back.





	seconds, minutes, hours, lifetimes

**Author's Note:**

> hello! this is based on the movie Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind, but you don't have to have seen it to read this. :)

**part one**

 

"Andrew?"

Neil hadn't seen Andrew in two weeks, not since they'd argued. He hadn't been to practice and he hadn't been at the apartment. It wasn't until all of his stuff disappeared in one fell swoop that Neil really started to worry.

Their argument hadn't been out of the ordinary. It started with Andrew having a few bad days in a row. Neil was happy to give him his space, let him _be_ in the silence. After a while, though, Neil started to feel almost like he were disappearing. Neil felt like he wasn't good enough, like he couldn't help the person he loved the most, and he tried to do something about it. He'd gone to find Andrew, and he'd pushed too hard. He'd only wanted to try to help but-

Andrew didn't want his help. He'd told Neil before: this is the way it was going to be. It was a forever. If Neil wanted what Andrew couldn't give, then Neil was free to leave. But Neil would never leave, not ever. And so their argument went on; it was dizzying, a spiral. They'd been through it before: Andrew _was_ enough, Neil _was_ happy, Andrew _was_ getting better, with Bee's continued help, with Neil's steadying presence in his life, Neil _was_ fine, for real this time. But, the inevitability: the dark days would come for them both, sometimes swallow them whole. That was the reality of the situation.

By the end, something had shifted. It was subtle, a fractured bone. _Not broken_ , Neil told himself as Andrew slammed the door.

And yet-

"Andrew? Where have you _been_?" Neil demanded, hurrying over to where Andrew was hanging by the back door of a bar, smoking a cigarette.

Andrew slid a casual glance in Neil's direction as he approached. The complete lack of care in Andrew's eyes almost took Neil's breath away.

"Do I know you-?" Andrew asked drily, tossing the half-smoked cigarette to the ground and crushing it beneath his heel.

It had snowed the day before and the cigarette melted a hole in the icy slush.

"Very funny," Neil croaked out, incredulous.

Andrew narrowed his eyes at Neil as if trying to solve a puzzle.

"Did we share a cigarette once?" Andrew asked finally, tilting his head slightly, "Hmm?"

Neil swallowed, and opened his mouth to speak. He couldn't find the words. Whatever joke Andrew was playing, it was cruel.

"Why are you doing this?" Neil managed finally.

Andrew frowned.

"I have to get back to work," He said, flicking a thumb toward the door.

Before Neil could even respond to that, Andrew was leaving. The door clattered in its frame.

It began to snow again.

 

...

 

"You won't believe what Andrew is doing," Neil snapped, storming into Kevin's apartment.

"You saw him?" Kevin asked, his eyes slightly wild.

"Yeah, _finally_ ," Neil bit out, "After weeks of wondering where on _earth_ he is, I find him outside some _bar_ , where he claims he _works_ at, and he-"

"Doesn't know who you are?" Kevin interrupted, his face paling.

"Yeah," Neil replied, surprised, "How do you know that?"

Kevin huffed out a pained sigh and ran a hand through his hair. He still hadn't sat down. Neil watched him carefully, suddenly worried. Kevin looked like he was about to be sick. Neil balled his fists in the pockets of his winter coat and waited.

"Do you- do you want a drink?" Kevin asked, before shaking his head, "Actually, better not. Better sober."

" _What's_ better sober?" Neil demanded, "Tell me."

Kevin held his gaze for a second before turning on his heel and heading over to the coffee table. He picked up a small piece of card and held it out to Neil.

"It's better you know-" Kevin muttered in a small voice as Neil snatched it from his hand.

It read:

 

Dear Mr Day,

 **Andrew Minyard** has had **Neil Josten** erased from his memory. Please never mention their relationship to him ever again.

Thank you.

Lacuna Inc.

 

Neil read it once, twice, realised he was crumpling the edges as his fingers twisted violently around the card. He tossed it to the side.

"Neil-" Kevin began.

"Lacuna?" Neil said. His voice sounded distant, alien. "That wacky lab where Nicky works?"

"He-"

"Andrew wouldn't do this. Andrew doesn't _do_ regrets."

"Neil, this isn't a _regret_. It's just... less painful to forget it all happened, to forget you."

"He's had me _erased_."

"Don't-"

"It's all gone? It can't be reversed?"

"I don't think so."

Neil felt hollow and shivery. He felt like he were having a nightmare and willed himself to wake up. But he didn't. When he opened his eyes, he was still sitting in Kevin's lounge. The card was on the floor; it was crooked, _real_. Real. Once, Andrew had made him real, and now he'd reduced him to nothing. He had been wiped away, chalk from a slate, lesser than a ghost.

He stared at the card again, wishing it would disappear and in doing so reverse whatever mistake had occurred. But it didn't work that way.

"Neil," Kevin tried again.

"What can you possibly say to me?" Neil asked Kevin, and he sounded shocked, winded, like he'd just been slammed against the plexiglass.

"I don't know," Kevin said eventually, "I really don't know."

 

...

 

Neil sat smoking on the roof trying to calm down. He inhaled quickly, deeply. The nicotine was supposed to soften the edges, but all it did was remind him of Andrew, and in that way, it sharpened them.

Smoking _was_ Andrew. It was sitting on ledges, cornflower-blue skies, dizziness and nausea. It was smoky kisses, the scent engraved in their sweaters, in their hair, on their fingertips.

Neil breathed out. The trail of smoke that left his mouth intertwined with the snowfall, a white hush against a dark, starry sky.

Nothing would ever be okay again, not after this.

Neil smashed the cigarette into the snow, buried his face in his hands.

And in that moment, he suddenly understood. Forgetting had to be less painful than this.

 

**part two**

 

"Not you too," Nicky spluttered, his eyes filling with tears.

"Yes, me too," Neil muttered darkly, "It's not fair that only he gets to forget. I want to erase him too."

"But-" Nicky began.

"Nicky," Neil snapped, cutting him off, "Did anything you said work on _him_?"

"No," Nicky replied, his voice frail.

"Then it won't work on me," Neil told him, " _Trust_ me."

Nicky sat down at his desk, his bottom lip quivering. He pulled out a clipboard that had a Lacuna Inc. form attached to it and handed it to Neil.

"I can't believe you're doing this to each other," Nicky said, and Neil was startled by the fire in his words. Nicky was more than upset; he was _angry_.

"Nicky, it's already done. He doesn't know who I am. He'll never get those memories back. Every second of our lives is... gone." Neil told him, resigned.

"You fill that in," Nicky told him, sniffing hard, "I'll get the doctor."

Neil sat down in the waiting room and filled in his basic details. He began reading the terms and conditions. It was all pretty standard stuff about it being his own choice, and how the lab couldn't take on any responsibility for anything going wrong. He skimmed it and skipped to the part about the actual procedure.

Here's how it worked: after his initial assessment he would go back to his apartment, collect anything that would remind him of Andrew and bring the objects back. Such objects would root him when they made a 'map' of his brain, locating the parts where _Andrew_ lived. Afterward the objects would be disposed of. Later that evening, they would use this 'map' of his mind to erase his memories of Andrew. He'd wake up in the morning and he wouldn't remember Andrew. Any objects that would remind him of Andrew would be gone.

It would be just like their shared life had never been. Neil's fingers tightened around the pen.

He signed it.

 

...

 

"Why don't you start by telling us about Mr. Minyard?" The doctor said, "And if you don't mind, I'll be recording this. We need to keep a log of a client's verbal consent to the process."

"That's fine," Neil replied coldly, "But why do I have to talk about Andrew? I thought the whole point of this was to forget him."

"Well, yes," The doctor agreed calmly, "But we need to establish _why_ you want to erase Mr. Minyard from your memories."

"Because he did it to me first?" Neil suggested bitterly.

"Let's start from there," The doctor said, pressing down the _record_ button on his tape recorder, "January 18th, Mr Josten and Mr Minyard."

When the doctor lapsed into silence Neil took that as his cue to speak.

"Well, my name is Neil Josten," He began awkwardly, "And I'm here because I want to erase Andrew Minyard from my memories. He did this to me first. I can't forgive him for that because- because he always knew how important it was for me to be _real_. I went through something... really dark, really painful, and he helped me begin a new life. He helped me call somewhere home. I'd never done that before. Now that it's all over, I don't know if I ever can again. He-"

Neil stopped, his voice breaking slightly, and the sound of the tape recorder humming and rattling filled the silence. The doctor nodded for him to go on.

"Nothing is ever easy, but we were happy in our own way. We'd moved so far forward. He's left because he thinks I can have an easier life without him, I suppose, and then he's had me erased because he doesn't want to remember how close he was to having something that was... all his, forever. Doing this was cruel. To live with it would open all my old wounds, so I can't live with it. I'm sorry. I need you to erase my memories. Isn't that enough?"

"It's enough, Mr. Josten."

Neil sighed; the sound coming out all tattered and ruined. _What am I doing here?_ he thought with a start. He was going to forget it. _All_ of it.

Before he could reconsider, he was walking back to his apartment to pack a bag. By the time he was finished, the place was bare. Everything he owned was theirs; it all had _some_ significance. As he peeled photographs from the refrigerator door, from the walls, from the bathroom mirror, he bit his lip so hard he drew blood.

At last, he tossed the old keys into the bag and left before he could start crying over how things had been so destroyed entirely.

 

...

 

"Can I keep my cats?" Neil asked angrily as he stormed back inside the doctor's office. Nicky hovered worriedly by the door until the doctor sent him away.

"I can't see why not. The memory of you buying them will morph and warp, so that it seemed like you went alone. Mr. Minyard will be drawn out, like poison from a wound. You follow?" The doctor explained slowly.

Neil narrowed his eyes at the term _poison from a wound_ but didn't say anything. The entire thing was beginning to set him on edge. He wanted it over with.

As if reading his mind, the doctor gestured for him to take a seat. Once Neil was settled, the doctor drew black circles on his temples and snapped a metallic device down over his head. The whole procedure was strange. The doctor paraded objects and images from his and Andrew's life in front of him. His reactions were immediate and intense. The doctor nodded and mumbled approvingly.

When it was over, Neil went home. Sir and King nuzzled his ankles, but he shooed them away. He ripped open the package he'd been given and stared at the tiny white pills manufactured to knock him out all night while the procedure was carried out.

 _This is it_ , he thought, _there's no going back_.

The pills were round and warm in his palm. They were twin moons, pin-pricks, burn marks. He ran the faucet, filled a glass, and then he shoved the pills in his mouth and swallowed.

Outside, the snow was still falling. It was white, and bright, and brilliant, and for a minute, Neil wanted to pause the entire universe. He wanted to _stay_. He swayed gently on the balls of his feet, and breathed in.

Quickly, everything faded.

It was darkness layered upon darkness, a world covered in sheets of black.

Silent.

 

**part three**

 

When he woke, he was back in that chair, in the doctor's office, and he wondered for a moment if he'd passed out. He was worried that something had gone wrong, that his brain had rejected the mapping or something. The doctor was sliding photograph after photograph onto the surface in front of him. He stared hard at each one, his head pounding.

The pictures seemed to come alive in a red glow, before they were half-eaten by fire. He swallowed. It kept happening. The pictures would be all burned up, until he could only see himself. It was alarming.

"Is there something happening?" He managed to croak out, "I think the procedure's gone wrong."

"Wrong?" The doctor said, and his voice was an echo that reverberated around Neil's mind; it was a pebble rippling the surface of a river.

"Very wrong," Neil insisted. The photos in front of him kept being eaten by embers until there were no pictures left, until he forgot there were even pictures in the first place.

"This is how it works," The doctor said, and his voice was even more far away now, as if coming from the bottom of a deep well.

Neil supposed he were dreaming. He supposed Nicky had talked him out of getting his memory erased, and that he'd gone home and started having nightmares about it. He willed himself to wake up-

blinked-

and was back in Kevin's lounge, his hands wrapped around a piece of card.

"... less painful to forget it all happened, to forget you-" Kevin was saying, looking distraught.

Neil squinted at Kevin, trying to work out if he were really there. He wasn't sure what they were talking about, wasn't sure whether he'd just slipped from one dream into another. He looked at the tattoo underneath Kevin's eye and suddenly remembered the night Kevin had come home drunk and changed. He and Andrew had kissed each other breathless afterward. The sudden rush of the memory caused him to let loose a hysterical giggle. Kevin looked at him, startled.

Neil didn't know what to say so he tried to read the card he was holding instead. _Andrew - erased - memory - never mention_. The words rearranged themselves and disappeared as he read them. Neil blinked, unsure of what he was looking at.

"Is it happening already?" Neil snapped, suddenly panicked.

"Is _what_ happening already?" Kevin countered, sounding far-away. Neil wondered if he'd gone to another room.

"Are they in my mind already?" Neil whispered, staring at the card. It was nearly bare.

Kevin didn't reply. Neil wondered where he'd gotten to.

"What is this?" Neil shouted, pointing to the card.

"Neil-" Kevin began. He was sat at Neil's side now, as if he'd teleported there.

"It's blank," Neil muttered.

Kevin was talking but Neil couldn't hear him, couldn't _see_ him really. It didn't matter. He could talk to him later. Right now, he had to find-

 _Andrew_.

Kevin's apartment began to smudge at the edges. Neil tossed the blank piece of card in his hand aside and stood up.

His feet landed in melting snow. There was smoke in the air, and the scent caged him in like barbed wire. He turned his head. Andrew was there, smoking.

"Andrew? Where have you _been_?" Neil asked, running over.

"Do I know you-?" Andrew asked drily, tossing the still-lit cigarette into the snow. Neil stared at it as it burned a path there.

"Very funny," Neil managed.

Andrew reacted like he hadn't even heard him.

"Did we share a cigarette once?" Andrew was asking him, "Hmm?"

Neil tried to think. They _had_ shared a cigarette, many cigarettes. As Andrew waited, it grew dark. The streetlamps came on.

Neil opened his mouth to respond but Andrew was already gone. The door was closed and when Neil tried to open it, he found it was locked. He stopped and wondered why he was trying to get in there in the first place.

He had to find Andrew. They'd argued. They hadn't seen each other in nearly two weeks.

Neil decided to walk home. Maybe Andrew would be there.

As he walked, the streetlamps went out, one by one.

 

...

 

 _This is the last time we were home together_ , Neil thought. He was outside, looking in. From where he stood he could see them arguing. He stared at himself, snapping angrily. He was threatening to call Bee. Andrew didn't want him to. _I'll see her on Wednesday_ , he'd said, _don't trouble her at this hour_.

Neil tried to bang on the window but his fist soared through an empty frame. He tried to shout out, but he couldn't. If only he could stop them, he'd stop it all.

He was sucked into the apartment, lightning-fast, but he was alone. He wandered from room to room, but Andrew wasn't there. In the back of his mind, he thought he could hear a door slamming. When he went to the door, though, there was nobody there. He scratched his head, forgetting what he was looking for-

oh, _right_ -

He was waiting for Andrew to come home. Andrew had just had a few bad days in a row and Neil wanted to talk to him. They hadn't spoken for three days, not really. Neil was feeling skittish and weak. If Andrew wouldn't talk to him, then he'd try to get Andrew to talk to Bee. He hoped it would work.

 

...

 

The bad days were a blur. The images began to overlap: Andrew was on the balcony, smoking. Neil blinked, and the balcony was empty. Andrew was on the balcony, smoking. Neil took him a mug of coffee, but balcony was empty. This happened over and over. Until it didn't.

Neil was in the bathroom. _Their_ bathroom.

Neil stared at himself in the mirror for nearly an hour. Andrew snuck up behind him and mumbled something in Neil's ear. Neil nodded and Andrew wrapped his arms around Neil's torso. Neil's heart fluttered with warmth at the touch and he closed his eyes. When he opened them again, he was alone. He looked to the mirror again and tried to remember why he was just feeling so content, so calm.

As he lifted a hand to his reflection, the mirror shifted.

It was a locker room mirror. He was no longer naked. They had just finished a game, the last they'd play for a while, because they were out.

Andrew was waiting for him but he couldn't quite bring himself to change out.

"We should go," Andrew said eventually. He looked annoyed, and Neil felt a sudden urge to let him know it wasn't his fault. It was _nobody's_ fault. They would work harder next time. Next time, next time, next time.

"You were so good, Andrew," Neil rasped and Andrew stilled, tensed his hand around his bag strap, "You were-"

"Who are you talking to?" Trey said, appearing all of a sudden. Neil snapped out of his trance.

"Uh- I was just saying that the uh-"

Neil shook his head. He wasn't sure what he was trying to say.

"We'll work harder next time," Trey said. His voice was a distant echo.

When Neil looked up, Trey was all but swallowed by the shadows.

"Yeah," Neil agreed, "Next time."

 

...

 

Their life was liquid, pouring out one drop at a time.

They were in a diner. Neil reached out to tuck a stray hair behind Andrew's ear. He smiled at the blush that crept across his boyfriend's freckled cheeks.

Neil bit his lip, looked down at his fruit salad. He was about to offer Andrew some of his blueberries to scatter across his pancakes when the waitress put their bill on the table.

"We're not finished," Neil grumbled, pointedly taking a swig of his coffee.

"'We'?" The waitress repeated, and Neil looked up to catch Andrew's eye, to say _how dumb is this?_ but Andrew wasn't there, and Andrew's pancakes weren't there, and Neil was alone.

"Sorry," Neil muttered. He reached for his wallet.

 

...

 

"They're taking you away from me," Neil said contemplatively and Andrew slid him _a look_.

"And who," Andrew said between draws of his cigarette, "Are _they_?"

"They're erasing you from my memories," Neil replied. He was staring at the ceiling, buried in cats. Andrew was smoking by the open window.

"Why would they do that?" Andrew asked. He sounded tired.

"Because I asked them to," Neil responded, raising his eyebrows, "Because you did it to me first."

Andrew shook his head as if he didn't believe Neil.

"It's happening right now," Neil said sadly, but there was nobody there. There was just a plume of smoke by the window.

The cats were fighting for space on his lap. Looking at them made him feel oddly lonely, but he raked his fingers through their fur anyway before upending them on the couch and going to shut the window.

 

...

 

Andrew was slipping away... their first game played professionally together, their trip to the cat shelter, their first night sleeping in their new apartment, their celebratory dinner with Kevin when Neil was made Court, all those long-distance video calls.

It happened like this: Andrew was there, then he wasn't.

Sometimes he faded away gradually; other times he blurred and distorted before vanishing suddenly, violently. More often than not, a fog of smoke was left in the place he'd been standing.

And sometimes, after Andrew had disappeared, Neil could feel the trace of Andrew's lips on his own, could feel the weight of Andrew's hands on his body, just for a minute. This eventually corroded into an itch Neil couldn't scratch and he was left restless, confused. _You did this_ , Neil said to nobody as he wrapped his arms around himself and shivered.

The next time he slipped from one memory to another, he was back in Palmetto.

"It's happening too fast," Neil said to Andrew, "You'll be gone soon."

"I'm only graduating," Andrew replied, rolling his eyes, "I'm not going anywhere."

"Yes, you are," Neil insisted, "I won't remember you when I wake up."

"You're being very over-dramatic," Andrew told him, pressing a firm kiss to Neil's forehead.

Neil watched him pack. The clothes in the suitcase were as familiar to Neil as his own, but as Andrew packed them, the colour began to seep out of them. Neil rubbed his eyes.

"It's already happening," Neil said, feeling sick.

"What is?" Andrew asked, looking up at Neil.

Neil stared at him. Andrew's fingertips were invisible already, but even like that, he was beautiful. The late afternoon sun illuminated all that made him gold: the pale yellow of his hair and the metallic glow of his eyes, the sun-kissed skin across his muscular arms.

Neil loved him. He really did.

"I shouldn't have done this," Neil said, obscuring his eyes with his forearm as if he were going for a nap, "I wish I could remember you."

"Why can't you-?" Andrew started to ask, but he was cut off.

Neil didn't even have to look to know why.

 

**part four**

 

They were on the roof. They were always on the roof.

"You say they're following this map they've made?" Andrew was saying.

Neil passed him the cigarette.

"Eh?"

"You were saying they've made a map of your brain," Andrew went on, gesturing vaguely with his hands, "Caught all your memories of me in it. That's what they're using. To erase me."

"That's pretty much it," Neil replied, shrugging, "It'll happen any second now. I'll turn to the sunset and think about how nice it is. Then I'll turn to you to say so and you'll be gone. Then they'll move on to the next memory, and the next."

"So, why don't you hide me somewhere that's not on the map?" Andrew asked, his eyes burning with possibility.

"Like, take you somewhere else? Somewhere that's not Palmetto?" Neil asked, swallowing thickly.

"Somewhere _before_ Palmetto. They won't go there to erase me as I wasn't there in the first place," Andrew said with a shrug, "It's worth trying."

"And then what?"

"We'll hide in the memory until you wake up. Tomorrow you'll remember me, and you'll come find me."

"It's not that simple. How do I explain _this_?"

Andrew's body flickered; it was breaking up, a television screen about to bust. Neil instinctively reached out, tangled his hand in Andrew's sleeve.

"Make me stay," Andrew bit out. He was still flickering in an out of existence. Neil's hand caught on nothing, then found purchase in the fabric of Andrew's coat.

Neil nodded, once, before closing his eyes and thinking hard. _Before Andrew_ , he wondered. Before Andrew there was a lot of bloodshed and running. It was manic, feverish, _painful_ , but he had to try.

The scent of blood swam into his nostrils. He sucked in a ragged breath and opened his eyes.

They were in Baltimore, hiding under his bed.

"It worked," Neil whispered, triumphant. Andrew shushed him, placing a finger to his lips.

Neil smiled, then stopped. Somewhere, he heard knives being sharpened. He heard crying, high-pitched and frightening. His hand tightened around Andrew's own.

"We just need to hide here for the night," Andrew whispered, his voice barely there.

Neil nodded solemnly and they lapsed into silence, watching each other stay still in the shadows.

"You look... young," Andrew said eventually.

Neil observed Andrew, taking in every tiny detail. Andrew's hands were small, but steady. His eyes were bright bronze in the dark; they were lucky pennies, a talisman.

"You too," Neil said, unable to suppress a smile.

Andrew tutted.

"You made me young?"

"We had to fit underneath the bed."

As Andrew opened his mouth to respond, Neil heard a mechanical beeping. He shook his head, tried to ignore it, but it echoed loud inside his head. Andrew narrowed his eyes at him as if to ask _what are you doing?_

The beeping continued, growing louder. Then, there was a draining sound that felt like death and they were back on the roof.

"Seems like we can't stray from the path too long," Andrew said, his voice dry and brittle, like autumn leaves.

Neil slammed a fist into the roof and Andrew disappeared, a summer breeze; he was there one second, gone the next.

 

...

 

The next three years of memories were a mixed-up mess of Exy, studying, and kissing. It was the same as it had always been, except it felt like his heart was being burned out of him.

Then, Riko died, and Neil was worried.

"Before this, you hated me," Neil told Andrew, kissing his neck.

"A- always hate you," Andrew replied, shuddering.

They tried to hide again.

Neil filled their dorm room with the scent of burning flesh and they were away. They were standing by the shore and behind them, the car was an empty shell. It was blackened, crumbling, and Neil clenched his teeth.

"Why here?" Andrew asked him.

"Because it's buried so deep," Neil replied.

"I'll help you," Andrew told him, and they went to retrieve the bones.

The sand was coarse and wet. And then it wasn't. It wasn't sand at all. It was water.

They were in the shower. Andrew was clothed, kneeling.

" _No_ ," Neil said, helpless.

"No?" Andrew said, and he pulled away.

Neil was covered in stitches, and alone.

The water dripped off him, and was sucked down the drain.

 

...

 

They were the most eventful months of Neil's lifetime, but they went by in a flash.

Baltimore first. Andrew was beside him, telling him to leave Nathaniel behind. The hairs on Neil's arms stood on end. Outside, the world was rushing past. One moment, Andrew wasn't inside the car. The next, he's was there again, and Neil felt the urge to hold Andrew, to kiss him until they both see stars, blossom in his chest.

"If I could keep one memory," He said instead, "It would be this one."

"You're not making any sense," Andrew said.

"No," Neil agreed cheerfully, "No, I'm not."

It was enough, wasn't it? They'd had this, once. Just because neither of them would remember it didn't make it less true. Still-

"There's not much time left," Neil said softly, burying his head in Andrew's shoulder.

"You'll figure something out," Andrew told him, "You're good at that."

Neil blinked. He was in the hotel room. Wymack was standing over him. From one of his wrists dangled a pair of handcuffs. Neil thought that was weird.

"You're a Fox, Neil," Wymack was saying, and the memory felt strange, tilted. His teammates were behind him. They were all nodding in agreement. Neil supposed it was good, really. They'd have him no matter what. No matter-

He was in Binghampton, ready to die.

"Thank you. You were amazing."

"Thanks, Neil," Dan replied, beaming, "We think you were amazing tonight, too."

Neil smiled.

 

...

 

He and Andrew were on the bus chatting.

"One more time," Andrew told him, "Hide me somewhere they won't be able to reach."

And before Andrew was even finished speaking, they were already there. They were both tucked under a blanket in the back of a car. Neil felt his gun, hard and dangerous, under his pillow. His mother was about to read to them. She did that sometimes, in the early days.

It was _Alice's Adventures in Wonderland_ and Neil knew he was too old for the story but it didn't matter. Any night he and his mother pretended things were okay was a good night.

She was about halfway through when the bullets started hammering the windows. He turned to shield Andrew from the flying shards of glass-

shifted-

and then, he was alone on the bus, dust swirling in the sunlight that fell in thick lines through the windows.

 

...

 

The memories continued to slip away.

They were kissing each other like they were the answer to every question they'd each thrown into the void. Then, Neil was alone on the roof, crushing a cigarette into the gravel.

Blood was seeping out of Neil's locker, and Matt held him back. Andrew was there, by the mirror, then he wasn't.

Andrew was looking at Neil's scars. His hands were tender, and his eyes were hard. Then, his hands were gone, and his eyes were nothing at all.

Andrew was back from Easthaven and looking at Neil like he'd never seen him before in his life. Neil said, _if it means losing you, then no_ , but nobody was there to hear him. Andrew was gone.

Andrew was gone for a while.

They were in a square room and it was suffocating, blood-splattered. Andrew was laughing a terrible laugh. Then, the laughter faded to silence and Neil was at the dinner table, wondering where Aaron had gone.

Andrew was handing him a key. He could feel it in his palm. He could _feel it_. But when he opened his hand, it was full of air. _Fuck_.

They were at Eden's and he hated Andrew, he _hated_ him, would do anything to forget him and-

purple neon lights sliced the night in half. It was blurry, faint. It was almost as if it hadn't happened at all.

 

...

 

Finally, he was in Millport.

There was a racquet. It hit him square in the gut. When he looked up, he could see someone grinning. It was the grin that lingered, Cheshire Cat-like, when Neil started to drift away.

Who was that?

He'd ask Kevin about it later, he thought. But he knew Kevin would just brush it off. The Foxes were known to be recruited from troubled, unstable backgrounds. The person who'd been with Kevin that night had probably left before he'd arrived. He'd ask him about it tomorrow, Neil thought, before realising it didn't matter. It didn't matter at all.

Light began to glint in the distance and he forgot what he'd been dreaming about.

It was morning.

　

**part five**

　

Neil woke up and felt groggy as hell. He thought for a second that maybe he was late for practice and scrambled out of bed. He grabbed his phone and called Trey; he had a vague recollection of dreaming about Trey last night but that wasn't what bothered him. He just had a strange feeling that he was _forgetting_ something.

"Hey," Trey answered, voice thick and rough from sleep.

"Hey, do we have practice today?" Neil asked.

"No," Trey said unsurely, "No. Um, our season is over."

Neil cursed under his breath. He thought back and remembered sitting alone in the darkened locker room feeling like he'd fucked everything up.

"Of course," Neil said eventually, "Sorry. I'm just- I'm out of sorts."

"That's-" Trey started awkwardly, "That's understandable."

Neil hummed in agreement, suddenly a bit perplexed by their conversation.

"I'll see you later," Neil said, eager to hang up.

"Sure," Trey said, his voice soft with what sounded like sympathy, "Take care."

Neil glared at the phone. _Take care_? _What the fuck_? He'd never liked Trey.

He stood up and nearly fell sideways. It was as if he'd slept for several lifetimes. He could hear the cats mewling in the next room. He made his way through to the kitchen and started filling their bowls with food.

He was struck by a sudden annoyance at how bare his apartment was. It was so sad, devoid of character. The cats seemed comfortable though, so he let it slide. He watched them eat and wondered what the hell he was supposed to do with his day if there was no Exy practice.

He looked outside. It had snowed overnight.

"I'm going to go for a walk," He announced to the cats before going to pull on his boots and slip into his winter coat.

He walked and walked until he ended up outside some bar. He wasn't in the mood for alcohol but supposed they did hot drinks. He went in, tossed his coat on a stool, and asked the bartender for a black coffee.

The bartender accepted his order without comment and left. He came back with a huge mug of coffee, steam snaking away from the rim. It clacked against the surface of the bar when the bartender set it down.

Neil sipped it slowly. The bartender watched him, something akin to curiosity in his gaze.

"Weren't you here yesterday?" The bartender asked. His voice was a slow, bored drawl, and Neil found it instantly obnoxious. The bartender reminded him of Aaron. Neil hadn't seen Aaron in ages, but they looked _very_ alike. It was weird.

Neil thought back to yesterday. He'd gone for a walk, visited Kevin, and the he'd gone home. It had been nothing special, but now that the bartender had mentioned it, he _had_ walked past the bar.

"I passed by," Neil conceded with a shrug.

" _Okay_ ," The bartender replied, his eyebrows shifting upwards very slightly as if he didn't believe Neil.

Neil ignored him, and the bartender began polishing glasses with a clean cloth.

"You ever wake up and feel like, I don't know, like your life has changed overnight?" Neil asked.

"Not sure," The bartender replied, "'Changed' how?"

"Like you wake up, and everything's the same as it always has been, but it just _feels_ different," Neil went on, "Like it's not really yours, like you're unsure how you even really got there."

The bartender shrugged.

"Maybe _you've_ changed," The bartender said, leaning across the bar and looking carefully at Neil.

" _I_ haven't changed," Neil replied indignantly.

"Maybe," The bartender went on, "You're just unsatisfied with your life."

Neil thought about that. Unsatisfied? It would be ungrateful to be anything _but_ satisfied. He'd lived, hadn't he? He'd found a family who supported him, and he'd found a place on the US Court. It was everything he'd ever wanted. So, then, why did it feel like there were a missing part?

"I have everything I need," Neil replied finally.

The bartender didn't look convinced, but shrugged and went back to polishing glasses. Neil finished his coffee and contemplated going home. It made _sense_ to go home, but he felt so relaxed in the bar. Feeling jittery from the caffeine, he ordered a herbal tea.

The bar was pretty empty, and Neil and the bartender chatted idly.

"Well, Mr I-have-everything-I-need," The bartender said, pulling off his apron, "Wanna get out of here?"

"Out of here?" Neil repeated, "And go where?"

"Anywhere," The bartender replied, grabbing his coat. Neil's eyes widened and he grinned.

"Look," Neil said, standing up and holding up his matching coat, "Same coat."

" _Great_ ," The bartender said drily, "You coming?"

"Sure," Neil replied, "Yeah. It's Neil, by the way. Neil Josten."

"'Neil Josten'," The bartender repeated, "I'm Andrew."

Neil followed Andrew to his car. The white winter sun was shining and the snow was starting to melt again. Andrew immediately took out a cigarette and lit it up. He offered the pack to Neil. Neil hesitated, but took one. He couldn't really remember the last time he'd smoked.

They climbed into the car and Neil clipped in his seatbelt. He wondered, excitedly, where they'd go. He wasn't sure why. Andrew picked up a pile of envelopes that were sitting on the dashboard and started shuffling through them.

"Didn't have time to look through it this morning," He grumbled, "Early shift."

Neil made a sympathetic noise, unsure of what to say. Andrew paused when he got to one particular thick envelope and Neil glanced over to see what he was looking at so intently.

"Lacuna," Neil read out loud, "That wacky lab?"

Andrew shrugged as if it were no big deal.

"My cousin works there," He explained, wiggling his thumb into the corner of the envelope.

Neil thought that was strange too. He also knew someone who worked at Lacuna: Nicky.

Neil waited as Andrew pulled out the letter. As he read it, his frame became very still and tense. Neil wondered if he'd had some bad news, and contemplated leaving. Andrew read the letter once, and then again, much more slowly. He flicked his half-smoked cigarette out of the window before lighting a new one. Then, he shook the envelope until a cassette tape fell onto his lap. Neil looked at him questioningly but Andrew shook his head.

Andrew slid the cassette tape into the car radio.

"My name is Andrew Minyard," The tape began, and Neil sucked in a breath.

" _Minyard_?" He cried out before Andrew shushed him. Minyard. That meant-

Neil had so many questions, but he waited and listened.

"And I'm here to erase Neil Josten from my memory."

Neil gasped as he heard his own name in Andrew's voice. He turned to stare at Andrew, and Andrew stared right back at him.

"What is this?" Neil murmured.

"He's never going to be truly happy with me, no matter how much he says he _is_."

The Andrew speaking on the recording sounded so _empty_ that for a minute Neil couldn't even focus on what he was saying.

"Neil has a habit of lying about his feelings," The Andrew in the recording went on, "He should be with someone who can give him the care and... affection that I can't give him. But then, I can't really go on like this, either. It'd be better just to forget it ever happened. It nearly didn't in the first place."

"What are you doing?" Neil snapped, "Is this a joke?"

"You should go," Andrew said, his fists curled tight around the steering wheel.

"I need some answers first, don't you think?" Neil replied, annoyed, "Are you related to Aaron and Nicky?"

" _Obviously_ ," Andrew said darkly, "I'm Aaron's twin."

"Aaron doesn't have a twin."

"And yet here I stand."

"Why didn't I know about this?"

"How do _you_ know Aaron and Nicky?"

"I went to... to college with them."

"Impossible."

"How?"

"Because _I_ went to college with them and you weren't there."

Neil felt his heart pound violently in his chest. Nothing made any sense.

They each turned to look at the car radio. The tape was still playing. Andrew was talking about how he had to _forget_ Neil had ever happened to him. It sounded impossible, but maybe it wasn't.

"We-" Neil began desperately.

" _Get out_ ," Andrew snapped, "Before I kick you out."

Neil flung open the door, climbed out of the car, and strode across the parking lot without looking back.

　

**part six**

　

Neil walked into his apartment and nearly tripped over the small package that was waiting on his doormat.

 _Lacuna_ , it read. Neil grabbed it and ripped it open.

 _Neil_ , was written in Nicky's messy hand, _you don't remember any of this but yesterday you came to my work and had Andrew erased from your memory. By the time you read this you won't know who he is anymore. I'm sorry. I should have stopped it, but I didn't. You two are the most stubborn people I've ever met, but you're also the most in love. So I'm correcting this mistake. I'm sending you back your file, so now you know._

_Yesterday, you loved my cousin. Today, you don't. In the future, who knows?_

_Just listen, okay?_

_Nicky_

Neil put the letter aside and reached into the envelope. Inside was a cassette tape. Neil walked into the kitchen and jammed it into the old CD player that had come with the apartment.

"Well, my name is Neil Josten," Neil's voice filled the room, and Neil took a seat on the floor, his back to the refrigerator.

"And I'm here because I want to erase Andrew Minyard from my memories. He did this to me first. I can't forgive him for that because-"

It was around this moment that Neil noticed there was a photograph peeking out from underneath the refrigerator. He pulled it out. It was a picture of him and Andrew in their matching winter coats. They looked like they were talking about something important, private. They looked like-

"Are these our cats?" Andrew said, sitting down next to Neil on the kitchen floor. The cats careened across the room toward him, purring delightedly, as if they hadn't seen him for an entire lifetime. Neil huffed out a laugh at the absurdity of it all.

"I got your address from Nicky," Andrew told Neil, his shoulder bumping against Neil's own.

"I'm glad you came," Neil said quietly.

As they sat there, the recording finished. Neil was glad. His voice had sounded so bitter and broken it almost frightened him.

"This is weird," Neil said.

"Do you want me to go?" Andrew asked, raking his fingers through Sir's fur.

"No," Neil said with a heavy sigh, "I want you to stay."

"'Stay'," Andrew said, "Is a very big word."

"I don't care," Neil said, "In what has been a very fucked-up day, you have been, weirdly, the only thing that's made any sense."

"Still," Andrew continued, nodding towards the CD player, "Look at where we are. Look at what we've done to each other. Do you think it's worth it?"

Neil didn't even have to think about it.

"Yes," he replied, "Of course it's worth it."

Andrew leaned back and turned to face Neil. Neil looked from Andrew's buried-treasure eyes to his slightly frowning lips. Neil inhaled the scent of nicotine, whiskey, and expensive cologne, and felt almost dizzy with longing.

"Do _you_ think it's worth it?" He asked, unable to look away.

Andrew didn't say anything for a moment and then-

inhaled-

took the photograph out of Neil's hand-

and said, "I do."

**Author's Note:**

> a [pinterest board](https://www.pinterest.co.uk/rbonallie/seconds-minutes-hours-lifetimes/) for this fic
> 
> title from the (best) song lifetimes by oh wonder 
> 
> ya girl has two tumblrs [1](http://palmetttos.tumblr.com/) / [2](http://flutter.tumblr.com/) bc she's greedy like that


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